My latest scare with.......well it may sound over the top but DEATH is kind of hitting me now. Nearly 2 months after the blood clot was discovered.

It's not depression......i think im suddenly in shock. Being 19 and having doctors not know why your in such a bad way and having them tell you straight out that they give you a 50% chance.......CHANCE OF WHAT?! they left it so open but i got it. Unfortunately i was the only one they told as my mum had left the hospital for a while to call people and tell them.

I carried that on my back for ages. I didn't want to tell anyone the doctors had said that to me. I told my friend Ben who visited me every day i was in hospital. He gpt mad at me cos smiled so much in hospital. What else could i do?? Feeling sorry for myself aint guna make me better and it'd make it worse for my friends and family. Now i'm told i'm prone to them for the rest of my life.

I don't want to go to sleep or out for the day not knowing if i'm guna get pains in my chest from the clot and get rushed to hospital. I don't even know if it's still there!! I don't want to be me......at least not the me that has this problem.

Oh well.